My dream about tires falling off on the freeway has come true!!
So I was reading the news today just like every other day ... when I happened upon this GEM of a story ... If only the stupid security guard was in the car ...

ZURICH (Reuters) – A car traveling on a motorway in Switzerland lost all four wheels simultaneously, coming to an immediate halt in the middle of the highway, police said on Saturday.

The car had just stopped and the passengers had changed from winter to summer wheels themselves, a common task in Switzerland where there is plenty of snow in winter, but used the wrong nuts when mounting the new set.

"When they then drove back on to the motorway, all of the wheels disconnected," St Gallen cantonal police said in a statement. "Luckily, no one was injured and no other vehicle was damaged."


5:43 PM | Category: | 0 comments

snakes can be scary ... especially if you're a guy
Who doesn't love a story like this ....

TAIPEI (Reuters) – A Taiwanese man became a sitting target for a snake, which bit his penis as sat on the toilet at his rural home, local media reported on Monday.

"As soon as he sat down, he suddenly felt a knife-like pain and reacted instinctively by standing up," the China Times said. "When he looked down, he saw the big snake."

The 51-year-old man, from Nantou County, was under medical care with minor injuries, a director at Puli Christian Hospital said.

"As soon as he has passed the risk of infection, he can go," the director, who declined to be named, said. "A snake's mouth isn't always clean."

Local television images showed the black and yellow reptile, reportedly a species of rat snake, being uncoiled and plucked slowly from the toilet bowl.

Snakes regularly enter rural homes in Taiwan and other sub-tropical regions of Asia.
I feel like I should send some kind of consolation gift to this guy ... his one eyed snake almost got eaten by a snake!!
2:52 PM | Category: | 1 comments

no you can't wear a tiara all the time ...
Sometimes when I see little girls wearing t-shirts with "princess" plastered all over their chests I sigh ... other times I glare at their parents and ponder if they have some kind of death wish. Seriously, do parents actually they are helping their little girls by beating the idea of being a spoiled little princess into their heads?

When did this whole Little Princess shit become ok anyway. Unless your parents are ACTUAL royalty you are NOT a princess. Ok I confess that between the moment you were born and the age of 8 its ok for you to make believe that you are a princess. But at some point in time the reality of your meager existence should be slapped into you.

My biggest beef is with grown ass women behaving like spoiled little children. I'm sure you've seen them ... they're the women running around spending their parents/husbands money and then telling the rest of us how she deserves to do what she wants because she IS a princess and deserves to be treated like one.

The other night I was watching television and there was this woman who wore her tiara for an entire month before her wedding every where she went. She also decided that she needed to get fatter so her initial choice of a wedding dress wouldn't fit her and her parents would be forced to buy her a new one. This is of course after they had already spent 50 thousand dollars on her wedding. Now this sounds absurd enough, a bride choosing to become fatter, but whats more disturbing was her initial size before she started binging on ice cream and fried foods. I mean how much fatter can a beached whale get, and what kind of new dress is she hoping to get ... some kind of parachute in white to drape over herself?

Also the woman in the bridezilla spots, screaming "you're not supposed to look better than me" at her bridesmaids ... pictured below.

Now I ask you ... how the f#$% are you not supposed to look better than this bitch, breathing makes anyone look better than her ... honestly.

I was left to ponder what kind of dumbass man would willingly marry such women. They seemed like nice enough guys, but I got to wonder, what kind of masochists are you to permanently tie yourselves legally and financially to such women. If a man can explain what the attraction is to a "princess" I'm all ears ...
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people who shouldn't be on the road
I seem to be driving a lot more these days and as a result have decided that most of the people on the road are idiots ...

- The driving with my blinker on is fun guy... seriously how can you forget your damn blinker is on ... can you NOT hear the clicking sound, can you not SEE the green arrow that's flashing in your dash ...do you have some kind of mental defect that prevents you from remember what you've done just 2 seconds ago?

- The steering wheel is my boyfriend lady ... ok lady the steering wheel is NOT a bra, its not meant to support your chest, unless you want the wheel permanently imprinted into your chest ...assuming you survive a collision

- The vanity plate guy ... seriously I don't give 2 shits that you're a doctor or a lawyer or a janitor ... or that John loves Amy, or that Bill bought you your Lexus ... I just don't care ...

- The lame license plate holder girl ... no I don't care if you're a princess because guess what you're not (more on this later)... nor do I believe that you should tell me you dumbass boyfriend bought you a car ... nor do I care than you like skiing, or fishing, or hunting, most of all I don't care that I if I can read this I'm too close.

- There is no fast lane guy ... yes ... yes there is a fast lane ... its the lane that you like to drive 60 mph in ... and you see all those people who are breaking and lining up behind you ... they are the ones who believe in the fast lane, and the stream of cars passing you repeatedly they also believe in the fast lane.

- The gardener ... yes I understand you're a gardener, and you drive a piece of shit car with 10 Mexican dudes stuffed into the cab of a 60's ford truck, but is it REALLY necessary to drive in the middle lanes going 50 mph because you have no insurance and you fear accidents. Not to mention the death trap you're carrying in your cab without securing any of it ... or the fact that there's so much crap crammed onto your damn truck its riding 2 inches from the ground.

- The double Laker flag guy ... damn fair weather fans ... similarly related ... the wreath on my pick up guy ... come on ... seriously? OH and most hated of all prop related car drivers ... the ball sack on my tail gate douche bags ... seriously I suppose its a good way to put the message out ... "Hi My name is Jake and I'm a douche bag"

-The won't let you merge on the freeway guy ... seriously ... are you some kind of rampant fag ... does it physically hurt you to let someone merge ahead of you ... its supposed to be like a damn zipper man ... a ZIPPER!!!

-The bitch who's on the phone and putting on mascara ... ok I'm a chick and yes I too love my tube of mabeline, but FFS get off the damn phone and stop attempting to put on mascara in your visor mirror ... fat stupid bitches ... it won't help you look any better .... unless theres some kind of weird chemical in that tube of mascara that removes 40 pounds from your ass you might as well just drive...

- The I'm realled scared of merging asian lady ... seriously its not that hard to change lanes ... just MOOOVE over ... riding in the middle of two lanes isn't very helpful or safe for anyone ... also turn off your damn blinker ...


- The I need to move in front of you in bumper to bumper traffic ... ya ... I don't even know what to say about this level of idiocy ... because seriously ... if this shit makes sense to you ... you might as well just off yourself, or atleast cut your balls off so there won't be any more of your kind to pollute my streets.

I've decided that the solution to the traffic problem is to take all the idiots of the road ...
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dog + brick = uberfail
walking out of the office today ....




whats sad is the dog didn't even TRY to run away ...
9:30 PM | Category: | 0 comments

security guards are stupid ... part deux
while i made my 30 miles 1 and a half hour trip home from work today I recalled another security guards are stupid story ... this particular story is rather old but its a classic.

I once worked for a very large and prestigious biotech firm ... now a little known fact about this biotech firm was how steadfast they were in maintaining security on their campus. Case in point, the bike riding security guards swarmed, tackled and handcuffed someone for swiping their expired badge trying to get to his desk one morning.

Back to my original story ... I frequently ate lunch "on campus" with my fellow co workers. We would walk over to the closest cafeteria, which happened to be in one of the newer buildings. They attempted to make the building seem less for boding and open by installing glass panels as walls for the first floor. Needless to say all the doors were also made of glass. The building also housed an open patio for people to dine alfresco.

Well on this particular day, the sun was shining, the birds were chirping and the patio was fully populated. At the table to our left was seated a group of security guards on their lunch break. I didn't give them much thought and happily enjoyed my lunch. Several minutes later I was musing about my day while staring off into space, one of the security guards had also finished his lunch ... imagine a man whos about 5 foot 6 ... heavy set ... and generally unimpressive looking. Well he gathered his trash, and started prodding towards what I believed was the door.

**SMASH**

Can you believe it .. the man actually walked STRAIGHT into one of the glass walls, RIGHT into the wall so hard that he fell on his ass. Now I know this makes me sound like on cold ass bitch but understand I didn't really have a chance to be concerned since I never seen a man move so fast. One second he was on his ass, and the next he was standing gathering his trash off the ground. So needless to say I didn't even have the opportunity to ask if the man was all right...
8:53 PM | Category: , , | 0 comments

darwin was really really wrong ...
Several years ago ... when I was a young happy girl ... I heard about the Darwin awards, if you are unfamiliar you should google it. I was full of wonder and sadness, mainly because I was silly enough to feel pity for those recipients of said awards. However, now in adulthood I wish I could fashion a real Darwin award trophy and hand them to the multitudes of winners I deal with all too often.

My Darwin Award Trophy ...
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But I digress from my real point that stupid people are much too abundant today ... case in point.

I went in to a client site today, considering I am a consultant and not a full time employee I typically sign in at the security desk where they issue me a temporary day pass. However in order for me to have a valid day pass a very specific full time employee needs to confirm my presence on a monthly basis.

Well 2 weeks ago said full time employee physically walked to the security desk with me and asked the security guard to renew my monthly pass.

Last week I came and they didn't have a pass in the "system", so they called a full time employee who asked again for them to renew my monthly pass.

THIS week I came in and the SAME security guard told me yet again that my pass was not in the "system" ... here’s a short breakdown of the conversation...

Me: Hello! How are you? ...*hands over DL*


Security #1: Hi ....*type type type* .... You’re not in the system.


Me: But how can this be?! You were the one who was supposed to extend my pass for a month last week.


Security #1: That wasn't me ... it must've been someone else.


Me: I'm pretty sure it was you (it totally was this douche bag)...


Security #1: Well I'll call Amy ***** and find out ...


Me: (damn bastard how was it not you if you remember EXACTLY who to call to fix it)... ok thanks!


Security #1: *mashes fat palm into phone to dial Amy* ... no answer.

**meanwhile - Security guard #2 walks back to the desk**

Security #1 to Security #2: Hey did you put this girl’s pass in the "system"


Security #2: Who? *receives DL* Nope I didn't do it ... *types my name into the "system*... but she already has a pass in the "system".


Security #1: Huh?! How come it didn't show up on my computer...?



Is it any wonder that one of my favorite pass times is to daydream about awkward situations stupid people could find themselves in?

Here's one of my favorites... stupid person is returning home from work, somehow all the tires on their vehicle pop off, and they are stuck in LA traffic with no tires and the urgent need to urinate ... my only hope is that they will be forced to pee their pants before help arrives.

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4:35 PM | Category: , , | 0 comments